In my last role, I needed to work closely with teams halfway across the world. We usually only had a couple precious hours of overlap in which to meet. I’d be blinking sleep out of my eyes in the early morning, and they’d be desperate to get home to their families at the end of a long day. This time was critically important for figuring out shared architecture, collective product needs, and key dependencies. Unsurprisingly, those meetings could get quite contentious.

The usual advice I have for cross-team collaboration is to get on the same page before the big meeting. But sometimes, that’s not practical—or you realize too late that it didn’t actually happen. When I was working across 10 hours of time difference, “let’s talk offline and meet again later” was simply not an option for getting out of an argument. Instead, I had to learn to redirect from frustrated disagreement back to collaboration during the meeting itself.

All of the tactics below are most useful when everyone really is trying their best to do the right thing, but the meeting has still gotten heated.

Own the Other Perspective

I’ve frequently seen discussions devolve into each side restating their own opinion over and over, not adding anything new. If you’re in an argument and you notice the other person doing this, you might be tempted to keep bringing up your concerns to try to get them to engage.

Instead, take a few minutes to clearly state their perspective. Do not let yourself shortchange their side of the argument. Instead, do your best to fully explain their points. You can frame this by saying something like “what I’m hearing you say is…” and asking at the end if you understood correctly.

Sometimes you will discover that you really did not understand their position. Be open to this; maybe you’ll learn they were right all along, or maybe you’ll learn that you are both really saying the same thing. Even if you still disagree, you’ll be much better equipped to voice your reasons.

In addition to validating your understanding, restating their position will also make it clear that you are truly listening. This show of respect and engagement can make a world of difference in a contentious discussion. When people feel heard, they are much more likely to listen to other ideas.

Lower the Stakes

Being wrong about something important is so scary!

It can be really counterintuitive to lower the stakes in the moment. After all, you want to explain how important it is to do things the way you know is right! However, by saying things like “I can see the merits either way” and “I think we’ll be able to change our minds later,” you actually take pressure off everyone in the room. If you lower the general stress level, you’re more likely to enable people to think creatively and critically.

In addition to lowering the stakes of the outcome, you can also lower the stakes of being wrong. Why are people so afraid of being wrong? Often, they are afraid of looking stupid, losing respect, or giving up power. By showing that your respect for the people in the room is not in question, you can reduce this fear and thereby reduce everyone’s defensiveness. A few ways to do this: talk about what you think is particularly clever about a proposal, ask someone’s opinion (especially if you use the term “expertise”), or find a way to bring up some previous accomplishment you appreciate. Make sure that any compliments are genuine and specific—your colleagues will see through empty flattery.

Reaffirm Mutual Goals

Take a moment away from all that stuff you disagree about, and spend some of your meeting time agreeing. Five minutes of focus on mutual goals can give everyone a chance to calm down and remember that the group all wants a successful outcome. You’re likely to see better collaboration after this exercise.

One structured way to do this is to share a document (e.g., by screenshare) and write the heading “mutual goals” at the top. You can transition to this mid-argument by saying something like, “I think we’re going off in different directions—let’s spend a few minutes reviewing what we’re all trying to accomplish.” As people say goals, write them down live in front of the group. This both allows people to clear up misunderstandings quickly and gives everyone the ability to refer back later.

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If you don’t want to use the specific strategies above, you can just think of them as examples of how to show respect and listen. The hardest part isn’t remembering what phrases to say—it’s remembering that if the person you’re talking to isn’t showing you respect and isn’t listening, you can still make a positive difference by doing so yourself.